I’m not okay.
There. I finally said it.
I am not okay.
I’m stressed. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m confused. I’m a little lost. And I am exhausted of pretending I am not all those things.
I am not okay.
But guess what, it’s perfectly okay to not be okay.
And I know I won’t always feel this way.
I will be okay. I won’t be stressed, and sad, and lonely forever. I will have things figured out someday. I will find my purpose someday. I know I will be okay, even if I am not right now.
I know I have always been self-critical. I always beat myself up with things I cannot control, things I cannot change. Over tiny things and the smallest mistakes I make. (What more of the big mistakes.) I overthink and I overanalyze the smallest bit of actions and conversations I have with people. I lose sleep overthinking the ‘what could have been’ and ‘what ifs’, wondering what I could have done differently in the past.
I am not the type of person who cares about what anyone thinks. I don’t exist to please everyone, or anyone for that matter. I don’t get wrapped up trying to be perfect for society to accept me. But it only boils down to the people who matters to me, that their thoughts do matter.
I don’t even know whyI keep trying.
It’s exhausting to make the people you love and appreciate treat you the same way you treat them. I know very well you can’t control anyone, but it does make you feel like crap when you feel that they just don’t see you the way you see them. This should not matter, but I guess this is what you get for being very affectionate.
And this I am learning every day of my life.
I am learning to forgive myself for feeling this way of not being good enough. I’m learning to forgive myself for not always being okay. Because right now, I’m not. But I know I have the ability to change that.
Acknowledge your feelings. The importance, I cannot stress enough.
Be honest about how you feel even if you don’t think people will understand or relate or care. Telling people you’re okay may just be a white lie to get you by small talks, but trust me, it won’t do you any good. Saying you’re okay won’t make you feel good even, sometimes it will make you feel worse for not being honest.
Also, don’t be afraid to admit that you’re having a bad day or a rough week, or a hard month. Don’t feel like you have to apologize for it either. It’s okay. We all have them at some point. We just have to learn how to not sink into that feeling because trust me, I’ve been there many times and it’s harder to pick yourself up after putting yourself down.
For me, I always remind myself that it’s just a bad day (or week, or month). God is good and life is too beautiful. I remind myself that I will feel better at some point. Usually a good night sleep, or even a good meal would do the trick. Go for a walk, or even write poetry. Just don’t get stuck in not being okay for too long.
It’s okay to not be okay, just remember that it will be eventually. We can do this!